I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
