i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
