Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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