My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
