The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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