I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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