it was like his penis was on wheels.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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