Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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