I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize