my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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