Cold hands, warm shart.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
