i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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