I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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