how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
