composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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