Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
