Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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