my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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