i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I had to cum in my sink.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
