i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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