never play flip cup with pint glasses
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
