i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
