I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
