when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
