If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
