It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
