bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
