How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it because I queefed?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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