Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
being pregnant is like rehab
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
