Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
