i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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