Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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