Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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