Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
