Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
