I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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