doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I love you.
Bad choice
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