I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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