Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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