His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
