I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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