I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
