I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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