After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
