Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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