I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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