Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i came on her dog
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
