I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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