Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
