It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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