after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
