if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
