I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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